Monday, July 25, 2005

Best of the Best

The Montreal Just For Laughs comic festival ended yesterday, and the newspaper provided a selection of some of the best jokes from the festival. Here are some of my favourites:

"The French are sensual people. Anyone who starts the day with chocolate bread has big plans."
Dylan Moran (terrific Irish comic that I saw, he was actually in Shaun of the Dead)

"Canada is like America, without all the violence and ignorance. That's why you're so dull."
Dylan Moran

"Jews invented the pill, the polio vaccine and taking Saturdays off. So the next time you're lying in bed Saturday morning having unprotected sex with your legs that aren't crippled... thank the Jews."
Gary Gulman

"It's a good idea to go to Ireland when you think you're drinking too much, because you realize you're not drinking enough."
Lewis Black

"The Scottish diet is the worst in the world, including Africa - it's more nutritional to have no food than Scottish food".
Danny Bhoy

"When will the Democrats realize they can't nominate plywood for president?"
Kathleen Madigan

"Ah, Montreal! Canada's best kept secret. They gateway to Toronto."
Dame Edna Everage

"I'm learning to talk black from young white kids. White kids talking like they're black, it's so weird. Like a cat barking."
Alonzo Bodden

"I masturbate so much that when I make love to my wife, I feel like I'm cheating on my hand."
Bobby Slayton

"I don't do jokes about George W. Bush... He does tend to get there first."
Dylan Moran

"Every woman has a 'ho' friend. If you don't, then you're it."
Maryellen Hooper

"Growing up in Wales is tough. One night I dreamt it stopped raining... You never forget your first dry dream."
Rhod Gilbert

"I travel a lot doing this job, because I'd rather change audiences than material."
Ed Byrne

"The CN tower is a cheat. Tallest building? It's a tall building with a toothpick on the end. Give me a toothpick and I'll show the world's biggest cock".
Ed Byrne

"I got off the plane from Dublin, someone said 'Bonjour', and I thought to meself: 'seven hours to France? What's wrong with this plane?'"
Jason Byrne

Ahh, hilarious. I plan on seeing a few more shows next year - especially Dylan Moran and Ed Byrne, if I can. Oh how I love the Irish boys!

Listening to: Wise Men - James Blunt

Monday, July 18, 2005

Llamas and Wizards

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For Canada Day, I took a wee trip to Calgary to visit my brother Mike and his girlfriend Rose. I also got to visit with my Uncle Bob and Aunt San, who I hadn't seen in about 6-7 years. I had such a great time:
  • I got drunk in front of my uncle, aunt, brother, and cousins.
  • We went to Edmonton for a day, where I rode a rollercoaster inside the biggest mall in North America.
  • We visited the Calgary Zoo, whereupon we saw many amusing, disgusting, cute, pink, and scary animals.
  • We shopped.
  • We saw a horse jumping competition for the North American cup.
  • We drank a lot of beer.
  • I bought a NO TOUCHY t-shirt.
It was a really great time full of laughs, randomness, and generally good times. Thanks Mike and Rose! (oh my goosh!)

This week is rather busy - I'm seeing two shows at the Just For Laughs Comedy Fest. Tomorrow is the O'Comics - an Irish comedy night with 4 Irish comics. I am such the accent whore, I'm terribly excited for that one. Friday night is the Gala, hosted by Dame Edna. That should be a blast, I've never been to one of the big gala nights before.

Wednesday night I'm also going to see Mama Mia - even though I'm not hardcore into ABBA, it should still be somewhat amusing to watch. If not, at least it's a good excuse to wear the Nine West red leather crocodile stilettos!

Presently, it's time for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I've been vainly trying to limit myself to a certain amount of pages per day. Obviously, I've forsaken this limit with the same zest of breaking a New Years Resolution. While I was waiting for HP6 to arrive, I cracked open Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand for another re-read. I've forgotten how much that book strikes home with me.

It's those rare books, like HP and Atlas, that speak to us in certain ways and make it difficult to explain to another person. Literature is a deeply personal activity, we all take different things from the very same piece. But alas, that's a post for another time.

And P.S. - llamas are ga-ross!

Listening to: Word Play - Jason Mraz