Monday, July 25, 2005

Best of the Best

The Montreal Just For Laughs comic festival ended yesterday, and the newspaper provided a selection of some of the best jokes from the festival. Here are some of my favourites:

"The French are sensual people. Anyone who starts the day with chocolate bread has big plans."
Dylan Moran (terrific Irish comic that I saw, he was actually in Shaun of the Dead)

"Canada is like America, without all the violence and ignorance. That's why you're so dull."
Dylan Moran

"Jews invented the pill, the polio vaccine and taking Saturdays off. So the next time you're lying in bed Saturday morning having unprotected sex with your legs that aren't crippled... thank the Jews."
Gary Gulman

"It's a good idea to go to Ireland when you think you're drinking too much, because you realize you're not drinking enough."
Lewis Black

"The Scottish diet is the worst in the world, including Africa - it's more nutritional to have no food than Scottish food".
Danny Bhoy

"When will the Democrats realize they can't nominate plywood for president?"
Kathleen Madigan

"Ah, Montreal! Canada's best kept secret. They gateway to Toronto."
Dame Edna Everage

"I'm learning to talk black from young white kids. White kids talking like they're black, it's so weird. Like a cat barking."
Alonzo Bodden

"I masturbate so much that when I make love to my wife, I feel like I'm cheating on my hand."
Bobby Slayton

"I don't do jokes about George W. Bush... He does tend to get there first."
Dylan Moran

"Every woman has a 'ho' friend. If you don't, then you're it."
Maryellen Hooper

"Growing up in Wales is tough. One night I dreamt it stopped raining... You never forget your first dry dream."
Rhod Gilbert

"I travel a lot doing this job, because I'd rather change audiences than material."
Ed Byrne

"The CN tower is a cheat. Tallest building? It's a tall building with a toothpick on the end. Give me a toothpick and I'll show the world's biggest cock".
Ed Byrne

"I got off the plane from Dublin, someone said 'Bonjour', and I thought to meself: 'seven hours to France? What's wrong with this plane?'"
Jason Byrne

Ahh, hilarious. I plan on seeing a few more shows next year - especially Dylan Moran and Ed Byrne, if I can. Oh how I love the Irish boys!

Listening to: Wise Men - James Blunt

8 Comments:

At 10:07 PM , Blogger SomeDude said...

Haha! Some good ones there! The Irish are good for a laugh. Sounds like a great wee festival you have there.

 
At 7:45 AM , Blogger Hannah said...

Hilarious!

Loving your taste in music, too.

 
At 6:58 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just watched Dylan Moran's 'Monster' before I went to America!

Glad you had a good time - nice to talk to you stranger.

-Jamie

 
At 8:26 PM , Blogger Ian Edwards said...

Dylan Moran is very good! He stars in his own Comedy over here, "Black books" which is quite funny.

 
At 6:01 AM , Blogger Roland said...

Dylan Moran is awesome. You should definitely check out Black Books if you liked his stand-up stuff.

 
At 11:15 AM , Blogger Chorna said...

LMAO.... oh man. That's great. :D

I have to admit, I laughed the hardest at the (c)rude joke(s). What can I say...

I like 'em :D

Yeah, here's your third "aye" to the Black Books. Should be enough to make you go out there and watch them on DVD ^_^

Meanwhile, I've been finding that some of the hardest laughs I've had recently have been coming from my cousin Tanbir. Roland can verify this. Among my cousin's jokes include "Rude Scrabble"...

:: giggles to self... :: ah. :D

 
At 2:44 AM , Blogger Chorna said...

Ooh you're reading Chuck Palanuik's "Haunted". Is it any good? I love his writing. So grim.

 
At 6:02 PM , Blogger Joanna said...

Hey Chorna!

Grim is pretty much an understatement for 'Haunted'. Some of the stories are really quite appalling. Apparently, during public readings, numerous people have fainted at some points in the stories. Icky stuff, heh, but typical Palahniuk style. It's an interesting read :)

 

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