Best of the BestThe Montreal Just For Laughs comic festival ended yesterday, and the newspaper provided a selection of some of the best jokes from the festival. Here are some of my favourites:
"The French are sensual people. Anyone who starts the day with chocolate bread has big plans."
Dylan Moran (terrific Irish comic that I saw, he was actually in Shaun of the Dead)
"Canada is like America, without all the violence and ignorance. That's why you're so dull."
"Jews invented the pill, the polio vaccine and taking Saturdays off. So the next time you're lying in bed Saturday morning having unprotected sex with your legs that aren't crippled... thank the Jews."
"It's a good idea to go to Ireland when you think you're drinking too much, because you realize you're not drinking enough."
"The Scottish diet is the worst in the world, including Africa - it's more nutritional to have no food than Scottish food".
"When will the Democrats realize they can't nominate plywood for president?"
"Ah, Montreal! Canada's best kept secret. They gateway to Toronto."
Dame Edna Everage
"I'm learning to talk black from young white kids. White kids talking like they're black, it's so weird. Like a cat barking."
"I masturbate so much that when I make love to my wife, I feel like I'm cheating on my hand."
"I don't do jokes about George W. Bush... He does tend to get there first."
"Every woman has a 'ho' friend. If you don't, then you're it."
"Growing up in Wales is tough. One night I dreamt it stopped raining... You never forget your first dry dream."
"I travel a lot doing this job, because I'd rather change audiences than material."
"The CN tower is a cheat. Tallest building? It's a tall building with a toothpick on the end. Give me a toothpick and I'll show the world's biggest cock".
"I got off the plane from Dublin, someone said 'Bonjour', and I thought to meself: 'seven hours to France? What's wrong with this plane?'"
Ahh, hilarious. I plan on seeing a few more shows next year - especially Dylan Moran and Ed Byrne, if I can. Oh how I love the Irish boys!
Listening to: Wise Men - James Blunt