Sunday, April 10, 2005

Quarter Life Crisis

Official Countdown till I Leave Waterloo: 12 Days

It's hard to believe that 3 years have flown by so quickly. Time seems to speed up exponentially when you get older. I distinctly remember the exact moment when I realized that time was escaping me faster and faster by the year. I was sitting in my sec 4 (grade 10, for those of you outside of Quebec) homeroom, talking to someone who I now forget, mentioning how I couldn't believe we were already in sec 4 - and that next year we were graduating. Sitting in our little wooden chairs, legs crossed under our maroon and forest green kilts, breathing in that moment of transcendence when you realize your little carefully constructed world is about to balloon out into the unknown.

Well, I have graduated twice more since then, and about to graduate for a third time. The end of my undergraduate degree, the end of Wilfrid Laurier, and the end of Waterloo. My world is constantly ballooning these days, I feel desensitized. I adapt to life-altering changes like a chameleon changes colours to blend into it's environment. After a while, change becomes the norm.

I have mixed feelings about this particular change. I really do hate Waterloo, I feel so isolated here - from the city, from my friends, and from my family. Not to mention the fact that Waterloo constantly smells like ass - the 'Loo and City of Ass, apt nicknames I can assure you. I'm dreadfully tired of Laurier, and it's innate ability to fuck up everything up and make my life as miserable as possible. There are some people here that I will miss. The majority, however, will not be missed. And they won't miss me.

The ambivalence sets in when I think about my life in a broader scope. The end of my undergraduate degree coincides with the ending of a preliminary period. Up to now has been a lead up to my life and career. Maybe I'm over exaggerating, but the undergraduate period is a time to let loose, party, enjoy the benefits of a care-free youth. I feel like I haven't been able to do those things as much as I should, as much as I want - with the end of my undergraduate comes the start of my life. Now it's serious.

I'm simultaneously very excited to start my life: moving back to the city, getting my own apartment, being able to see my friends regularly and often, being within minutes from my family, not having to miss out on certain things because I'm away. I've always been such an independent person, and that will never change. But I'm sad to see my youth slipping away through my fingers while I'm still frantically trying to hold on to it.

Sitting here at my desk, legs crossed in my cotton pajama pants, the early afternoon sunlight sifting through the windows, 6 years after that first moment of transcendence. Living in the moment is so hard to do.

Listening to: All in All - Lifehouse


At 6:32 AM , Blogger Ian Edwards said...

Yeah I know what you mean, I'll be graduating soon aswell (fingers crossed). Do you know what job you wanna do? Or already got one lined up?

At 11:52 AM , Blogger Joanna said...

good luck to you, Ian :) Well I've been accepted into gradaute school, so I will be getting my Masters and PhD within 4 years - hopefully that will make getting a job quite easy! I'm thinking research and development, pharmaceuticals, or a University prof is nothing else pulls through.

At 1:24 PM , Blogger Chorna said...

Gosh, you make yourself sound so old. If anything, the perception of time is just as important as how much time there may be left.

If you think about all those life-changing moments people are capable of going through then sure you're stepping out into the big-wide-world but hun, you've got all the time you want in life, so long as you give it a purpose by doing something with it :)

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