Neurotically CompulsiveGreetings from Procrastination Land.
The last final of my undergrad degree is on Saturday, and I just can't bring myself to care. However, there is an interesting deeply ingrained struggle going on here.
At a conscious level, I know these marks don't really count. I got into grad school, no one is looking at these marks, and I really don't need to keep the straight A average anymore. Sounds reasonable enough. This doesn't mean I'm going to totally blow off studying, just that I don't need to knock myself out with the effort, either.
This, unfortunately, goes against my nature. At an unconscious level, I am and forever will be a completely neurotic over-achiever. I can try as much as I want to convince myself that I can settle for a B, but there's still that nagging feeling of "well, I really could get an A you know... at least an A-, because it won't look too good if my marks just suddenly drop off out of the blue."
And so the panic sets in. The more I fuck around and don't study, the more panicky I am. Then I try to rationalize it with the aforementioned justifications. This never works, of course, because I am hopelessly ingrained with the need to do well.
What this leaves me with is the realization that at least I am intrinsically motivated. I obviously don't feel the need to do well for others, it's just a stupid motivational drive that's been in me since birth - since those first few months where I apparently made it explicitly clear what I wanted and how immediately I wanted it.
I'm a psych student, so of course I'm neurotic and compulsive. I wouldn't want to destroy the stereotype.
Listening to: Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand