Thursday, April 14, 2005

Neurotically Compulsive

Greetings from Procrastination Land.

The last final of my undergrad degree is on Saturday, and I just can't bring myself to care. However, there is an interesting deeply ingrained struggle going on here.

At a conscious level, I know these marks don't really count. I got into grad school, no one is looking at these marks, and I really don't need to keep the straight A average anymore. Sounds reasonable enough. This doesn't mean I'm going to totally blow off studying, just that I don't need to knock myself out with the effort, either.

This, unfortunately, goes against my nature. At an unconscious level, I am and forever will be a completely neurotic over-achiever. I can try as much as I want to convince myself that I can settle for a B, but there's still that nagging feeling of "well, I really could get an A you know... at least an A-, because it won't look too good if my marks just suddenly drop off out of the blue."

And so the panic sets in. The more I fuck around and don't study, the more panicky I am. Then I try to rationalize it with the aforementioned justifications. This never works, of course, because I am hopelessly ingrained with the need to do well.

What this leaves me with is the realization that at least I am intrinsically motivated. I obviously don't feel the need to do well for others, it's just a stupid motivational drive that's been in me since birth - since those first few months where I apparently made it explicitly clear what I wanted and how immediately I wanted it.

I'm a psych student, so of course I'm neurotic and compulsive. I wouldn't want to destroy the stereotype.

Listening to: Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand


At 9:37 PM , Blogger tylert said...

It's like someone did a case study of me and then posted it on your blog - I'm a psych student too. Odd: I was originally to go to Waterloo...

Alas, the name of my blog should fill in the blanks.

Look forward to reading the rest of your posts!

At 4:18 PM , Blogger tylert said...

Whoa - It's like someone did a case study of my life and then posted it on your blog. I'm a psych student too, and also plan to go to grad school.

Odd: I was supposed to go to Luarier, but alas, the name of my blog should fill in the blanks. I know the feeling wanting to leave a place that won't be missed.
I look forward to reading the rest of your posts!


At 12:31 PM , Anonymous Flat grapefruit said...

I sometimes wish I was more of an overachiever; I think for the most part I'm just neurotic. Anyhow hope the test went well, and congrats o

At 4:32 PM , Blogger Joanna said...

yep, the finals went well. Main point: they're over!!! I'm all done, and it feels great :)


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